Most people reading this probably don't know who I am or care. But seeing as right now I have no one else to talk to I guess I'll just mumble on here. I'm so fucking scared. I'm scared of everything but I never do anything. My life is one of those long pointless films trendy kids say they love because its so 'deep'. Its not fucking deep that is just how life is. I guess you could say my mind isn't really the same as other kids my age. I'm more mature and I have better opinions. I'm not even going to be modest about it. I fucking scare people because of how I am. I'm really good at hurting people. I don't mean to but I'm possessive and easily hurt. I take out my shit on people and beg for sympathy. I need to be loved. I could never stand being hated by anyone. Thats why I never want people to know I hate them because then obviously they will think of me and a mean bitch and I couldn't stand that. I am a mean bitch, life goes on. I try to pretend that people care and people say they do but honestly I have never felt it or had anyone ask me if I am okay. The stupidest little things hurt me and I can make nothing into everything and crush peoples heart by overreacting. Love, fucking painful. Maybe I am too young for love but I doubt it. I know what I feel and according to all the things I have heard it is love. Such a strange word no proper meaning. I don't really want to ramble on about love because I don't want to look like some pathetic teenager. Instead lets talk about how shit my life is just like every other kid does. If you are trendy you have depression. I always seem to be ahead of the trends, you see as I have anxiety. New coolest thing guys. Anxiety and panic disorder? Oh man, I'm the coolest kid in town. Not only that but I also have disturbed thoughts. Excellent. The city is nervous-making and people with their lateral ideas frustrate me. I've met some interesting people in my time. Only 2 fascinated me. They were both boys. I always wished I was a boy. Not only is it easier to be individual as a boy but boys are just generally cooler. I like girls and all but all my idols seem to be boys. Artists, comedians and models that are successful are really amazing boys. I'm not some boy crazed teenager don't get me wrong, I find girls attractive and all and wouldn't really care being in a relationship with one but they just aren't as interesting. Narrow minds. The interesting people are too busy getting stoned than being on the internet (unless you are Chuck Huggins, one of my very few girl idols). Celebrities, I never remember their names. Movies, I only watch the dark and twisted. If they don't make you think they suck. Across the Universe changed my life. On the subject of life changing things there is a person (lets call him Ziggy) who has made probably the biggest impact on my life than anyone. No not a family member, I don't enjoy family time at all. I don't know what to say about Ziggy seeing as he is probably my definition as the worlds most perfect person. I can be the biggest shit to him though. I hate it so much but I always forget I do it. He means the world to me and not like oh I love him but its cool if he leaves later. I'm pretty sure I'd be one big depressed piece of flesh. I used to be pretty over dramatic about life and cut myself and shiz, but then I met Ziggy and he made me really happy. My family was jealous. I don't think I have seen anyone as gorgeous as him, not even Ash Stymest or David Bowie!
Ziggy isn't mine. I thought he was but it all changed. He doesn't know who I am or gives a shit and not in that way where "no one understands me oh I'm so misunderstood", he simply does not know I exist. We have never spoken. I'll tell you all about it another time. Its over 4 months since I have edited this, 4 weeks since my life crumlbled.
