On December the 11^th 2009, a girl and her friend Jane decided to create a Habbo Hotel account to pass the time. In January they went back on Habbo as a joke. Jane started talking to a boy on Habbo who said his name was ***** the girl tried to join in the conversation but ***** kicked her out of the room because she forgot who ziggy stardust was. The girl started talking to ***** with Jane and they found out they had a lot in common. ***** asked for their msns and they talked on there. The girl found out ***** was gay and they liked all the same things. The girl saw a photo of ***** and didn’t believe it could possibly be him. He was amazing but not in the way most people find boys attractive. He was what she liked in a boy. It shocked her. The girl talked to this boy for ages, they had pretty much everything in common, though she did pretend to like things more the win his approval. He was adorable, gorgeous and nice. Shame he’s gay. He was obsessed with David Bowie, Lady Gaga, Josh Thomas and kittens. They talked for 3 weeks and then every time they parted they said I love you.

One day the girl made a joke about being best friends, he got so excited and it made her so happy. She was scared to say things like that incase he actually didn’t like her but was too nice to say otherwise.  Jane and he shared facts about music and movies. The girl had listened to the music but didn’t know any facts, and hadn’t seen any of the movies. She always though ***** pretended to like her but would end up wanting to be best friends with Jane. She never understood why he enjoyed talking to her so much, she was bland, had issues and anxiety, quite ugly and didn’t know anything interesting. Jane and ***** started talking less and the girl was scared this would happen to her and him too. No one had made her this happy.

Soon ***** started showing the girl more pictures of himself. Was it rly that possible to be so perfect? Apparently. She thought he was the most gorgeous boy she had ever seen but always too scared to compliment him too much in case he though she was coming on to him. She was very self conscious. Later she found out he had a youtube account with videos of him and his best friend. They were hilarious. He was perfection taken to a new level. She also found out that if you typed his name into google so many things came up. This boy was pretty famous. So many people loved him, it’d be pretty hard not to. He was gorgeous, funny, adorable, amazing and just pretty much well perfect.

Once they had a fight because he wouldn’t let her send him a birthday present. It was horrible but they made up and he finally gave in and gave her his address after she gave hers. Months later he had a fight with Jane on Habbo. She said I love you but not in the way ##### does. He asked her what she meant by that and she said “she just wants to screw your nail” (bullshit) he said maybe he’d prefer that and then it became awks between them. It also became awks between him and the girl. One day they were having a corny ‘I love you more’ argument and the girl said something along the lines of that she was in love with him. A couple of days later he told her that he was in love with her and he couldn’t deny it any more. She had never felt so amazing in her life. She felt so special because not only was he amazing and gorgeous and could have had anyone he wanted, but he was also gay. Yet, he fell in love with her.

He wanted to see videos of her as she had seen them of him. She was way to self conscious to send them. She was ugly, boring and had the grossest voice. She tried to show him one that was on facebook but he couldn’t see it due to privacy reasons. She had once asked if she could add him on facebook but he said she couldn’t. She asked no more questions about it. He made a fake account to watch this video, she was hardly even in it. The account was fun, his name was “Wenis cakez” on it and he kept using it. She found out he had other ‘pen pals’ and this made her jealous. She didn’t tell him. The account was made in July. His birthday was nearing and so was hers. He made a big deal about her birthday. No one had done this for her. He made her a picture. She felt special.

Now that they had admitted their love for one another they were very shy to talk about it. They’d get embarrassing when they talked about cuddling. His birthday was soon and at 12am she sent him this:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY *****!!! I hope you have a really good day even if it isn’t your birthday in Oswego but it is in Sydney and you deserve an early birthday for being the nicest person I know! I love you so much that it is scary and sometimes makes me cry. I love you so much I often think of nothing other than you. I wouldn’t want anyone other than you to cuddle with and talk to because you are the most incredible person I have ever met and even if there are other people out there better than you (I highly doubt) then I would still prefer you. You won my hear first and it’ll stay yours forever. I know you don’t agree but you deserve more than me and everyday I think how lucky I am that you love me the way you do. I wish I could be there for your birthday and I hope one day I will get over my stupid anxiety and I’ll visit you and it’ll be great. Last night I was thinking about how much it will hurt when you leave Sydney and I started crying, I just love you too much. Thinking about you drives me crazy but I love it and I love you. So I hope you have a happy birthday and never forget just how inhumanely I love you!

He told her he had cried with happiness.

One day she came home from a friends house and he told her that he planned to come live in Sydney with her. She was so shocked and excited that he would do that for her. He had to go to college first but he could come over for 3 months then go back and finish college and move over. She couldn’t believe he’d do that ever. She now had something to look forward to. She needed him more than anyone else. She had never been in love before, never kissed a boy, never had a boyfriend. She promised him her first kiss. After awhile he mentioned something along the lines of making love and explained it would only be to show her how much he loved her. Could he get any more perfect?

Occasionally they had fights but they always made up. Normally it was because she was a bit fucking touchy and he didn’t tell her some things about friends or what he did that day or whatever.  This is how the fights generally ended (before either of their birthdays):

*****: I'M SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN TO OFFEND YOU. I LOVE YOU :(
I wouldn't ever mean to hurt you. I just didn't feel the need for that to be up. I'm flattered that you wrote it! Sorry I made you delete it. Sorry if I made you upset. I hate you being upset and I really try not to offend you or make you upset but I don't always know what does and I'm sorry. I love you so much!

*****: July 4 at 9:25pm 

You better come back or I'm going to go crazy D:
I'm sorry.

*****: July 4 at 9:26pm

Maybe if I spam you with loving messages your computer will zap you (gently) and tell you that you should come back because ***** loves you and needs you!

*****: July 4 at 9:27pm 

DAMMIT I WISH I COULD TEXT YOU.

*****: July 4 at 9:30pm

I hate that the only way i can contact you is that if you're online. I'm just going to have to fly to Australia and throw pebbles at your window until you open it and scream out "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?" and then I'll have a guitar and sing you a song and you'll HAVE to come down because you would have forgotten that you were angry with me cause my song was so meaningful and then I would give you the roses that I was holding behind my back while singing you the song and then you could forgive me and we could cuddle!

I mean if you want.

*****: July 4 at 9:31pm

I'm too clingy I'm sorry.

 Girl: July 4 at 10:49pm

I'm sorry, I guess I was just kinda annoyed because you don't tell me some things and I tell you everything and some times I think I shouldn't.
You're not too clingy, I like it when you are clingy.
I would give you my number if you really wanted to text me but I think it would be way too expensive and I don't think you would want to spend so much.
I love you too and I'm sorry.
Also I can't climb out of my window but you can still throw pebbles at it.

*****: July 4 at 10:50pm 

I'm sorry. I love when you tell me everything but sometimes I just don't feel comfortable talking about my problems, and it's not like I have anything against you, I don't like telling anyone at all and I guess I should cause then I just get angry and do stupid things but I always think that complaining is a waste because other people will have to care when they have their own problems. I love you.

Girl: July 4 at 10:56pm

I complain so much and I know it is annoy and I shouldn't. I would love if you complained for one because you are always the really nice one and I am just the annoying never shutting up one. You can tell me your problems if you like, if you really don't want to its okay, but I am not going to think any different of you if you did just maybe love you more.
I like listening to other peoples problems because normally I don't share mine and it makes me I dunno feel special talking about person stuff. It is up to you if you want to tell me, you can trust me.
I love you moar.

*****: July 4 at 10:58pm

No don't shut up D: I really don't think you're annoying at all and I don't think you complain too much.

That fight was about when the girl had written on his fan page that she got to speak to him every day and he freaked out and made her delete it. She never understood why.

Every time she upset him she cried. She had cut herself and done other things just from upsetting him. They started getting more serious. She told him all her secrets and he told her some of his. They told each other dreams they had where they were together. He once told her they were made for each other. He told her personal things about himself and his personal thoughts of her. He called her sexy and she felt so much better about herself. She told him she thought he was sexy too, mainly because he was. Her anxiety started to get better. She was truly happy. They made cute photos where they were together. She made a photo of him surrounded by kittens. She had started drawing him all his favourite things and it was going to be his birthday present but it was over 3m long and she couldn’t send it so they said they’d hang it in the house they were going to move into. She saved up $300 for when he’d come over. By now she had pushed her family away and lost many friends but she didn’t care because she loved him and he was all she needed. She got his name signed on a Josh Thomas poster with her own and showed it to him. She made him a jacket and embroided a picture from Donnie Darko his favourite movie. He told her he had told his best friend about her and had photos of her in his wallet. They were perfect together and she suddenly thought better of herself. She knew that at 18 she would move out straight away no matter what her parents thought and ***** said he’d be living in Sydney by then and he could move in with her. She went away for a week and he complained about how he couldn’t be without her and she was scared to not be talking to him. He got one of his pen pals to text her messages as he had lost his phone. He got her unicorn earrings and a Tin Tin poster but never sent them.

The 17^th of October she came online in the morning expecting ***** to be asleep as he told her when they first met he had insomnia and was awake at the times she was, which suited her. He was online and she started talking to him. He kept asking her to come on msn so she did. By this point she was a bit scared. He didn’t say anything but asked to stay calm and try and understand. He then sent her this:

I'm not *****. Not like just now but this has never been ***** ******* ********.  Don't do anything drastic okay D: You're still talking to the same person you have been for the past year or something, but it's not who you think it's been.  I feel so horrible doing this to you, I'm not going to say who I am, but there is a reason I've done this, and it defiantly wasn't to hurt people. I haven't told Brianna and such because I don't really care about them, they can find out their own way, but you're amazing and don't deserve this anymore, I feel so so so horrible every time you talk about seeing *****, and that's the reason "he" hasn't called you or anything.  You must think I'm some psycho pervert but I'm really not, I wasn't in this to get this far with someone.  The reason I started posing myself as ***** was because I wanted an alter ego (kinda like in Fight Club but I'm not an insomniac) he didn't like his life so he made up someone better.  I'm not asking for pity here, that's the last thing I expect but I'm just trying to explain.  It started about two years ago, or more and I made up some kid called Albert, but then I came across *****’s videos and everyone loved him, he's hot and gay, that's practically an auto-matic like, so I made up a new msn and everything and used his name, I used a lot of my characteristics in him but as I as you would say "stalked" him I found out more about him and added some of the sings he likes e.g.: Lady Gaga, Glee ect.  People actually liked the person I was posing as and it made me feel better about myself, because it was still my personality. I don't really care if Jane and simba and stuff find out and hate me, but I want to somehow make it hurt less for you to find out, I really must sound creepy, but I still think of you the way ***** did (kind of) and I know if you knew who I was (you don't know me in real life) you would never talk to me again. I will let you know I am a girl though. Please don't do anything drastic. The reason I let out relationship happen because it was obviously the relationship most girls want, it's perfect, and I honestly believe I could never end up with something like that. I didn't mean for it to happen, that's why the gay bit was good for *****, but you had something else the other people I met over the internet didn't.  You're perfect, in my opinion you're one of those girls guys stop on the footpath to watch walk by, but your self esteem was so low and you needed someone to make you feel as pretty as you are. I guess I'm not helping my case here you still probably think I'm a creepy paedophile; I'm actually your age. Anyways it was the relationship of anyone’s dreams, as you know it was perfect.  I'll leave what you want to happen completely up to you now. You can decide to delete me and never talk to me again, we could still talk, or I could keep pretending to be ***** if you want but please please please please (not that you're going to listen to me) DONT go cut yourself or kill yourself, that is the main reason I haven't told you for so long, I don't want to be the death of someone (which you probably don't care about because you must hate my guts and want to get revenge on my anyway you want) but I promise, some day, someone else will look at you the way you do and take care of you the way you deserve to be taken care of, you just have to wait, you have my word on it.  I also don't expect you to reply as this is probably a huge shock to you.  If you have any questions I'd be happy to answer them.  I am genuinely sorry, if that means anything to you.  Oh and I actually do have all the stuff I said I was going to mail you if you still want them.  I don't know what else to say, I'll do anything for you that could make you feel better, even if that means never speaking to you again, you can have as long as you need to think about what you want to happen.

Half way through this message something inside her was screaming, trying to get out of the shell it was in and run away. This whole time she was in love with a boy, she needed a boy, who didn’t even know she existed. She had photos of him on her phone, his name on a poster, she had drawn him and made him all this stuff but it was never even fucking him. He told her things that were all lies. The person who had pretended to be a boy and completely ruined her life. She had told him on many occasions that she couldn’t live without him and she needed him. Her hands were shaking, she needed to be sick. She was hot and sweating and crying and screaming. She didn’t know what to do. There was nothing she could do. She needed ***** but he didn’t know her. She had been giving up her life for him and the whole time he was just living his own, no thought in his mind of her as she had been told. She needed to break something, needed to rip out the creature on the inside. She had to erase this boy from her life but that would be impossible. She was angry, infuriated and scared but most of all heartbroken. Who was this boy that she loved? He didn’t know her. She knew it was too good to be true. And so it wasn’t true. She had been completely manipulated. She, person who had posed as ***** just happened to be the friend who ‘he’ had asked to text her while she was away. Funny enough the seemed to have a lot in common. So much made sense to her now. She had written on his fan page and on his formspring and he acted like he didn’t know her....because he didn’t. The one person she needed more than anyone else didn’t even know her name. She was numb. She called someone who didn’t know what she was saying. Some people laughed at her and didn’t believe her. One of her friends worried she would commit suicide as she had tried before because of this ‘person’. She had been fucked over. And what now? She couldn’t eat, she spent the day on the floor in tears ignoring the calls from ‘*****’. Let that bitch worry. She had made everything up, let the girl become a slave to her because all the girl had wanted was love from the most gorgeous boy she had seen, and she would have done anything to keep it. But it was never him. She couldn’t move couldn’t do anything. She cried till that night. She couldn’t eat dinner. She tried to shower and recover but she couldn’t even stand up. She wanted to throw up, throw up everything. All the memories, photos, voice clips (funnily enough they had to be whispered), fucking everything. She tried to sleep that night but could only cry. Her parents didn’t know how to handle it anymore and took away the computer and told her not to talk to this girl (let’s call her molly). Molly told the girl that she was still in love and meant everything she had said. The girl didn’t know how to respond, did she still love this person? She didn’t just fall in love with their personality, as shallow as it sounds looks and how they acted counted a lot. Molly had made up everything. She had stalked this boy to find out all his information. She made up an address based on that fact he once mentioned living near a lake.

When she woke up she was so tired and weak. She tried to pick something up but her hand shook and she dropped it on her. She just lay there with silent tears leaking down her face and her heart aching. She didn’t go to school in the morning but came later. Everyone was normal. No one knew. She held in tears but when the bell went and her friend saw her and ran up to her as she had know what had happened. The girl burst into tears and hugged her friend as hard as she could. It felt better to be cuddled as no one else had tried to comfort her like this and she needed to be soothed. She cried uncontrollably on her friends shoulder so scared of the moment she’d have to let go. Only four people knew what had happened but only two of them had known just how in love she had been. Soon it was class time and she had to pull herself together. As soon as she walked into class she was numb. She didn’t remember what had happened. At lunch she didn’t eat, just like she hadn’t that morning and she sat in silence not knowing why she felt as she did. What happened? Who was that gorgeous boy in the back of her mind? Her friend came home with her, she was still numb. They had the password to the fake account for ***** and went on and changed the password and deleted all the things that said how much ‘he’ loved this girl. Then she went through and deleted all his comments on her wall but she couldn’t delete his account. She wasn’t strong enough. Once her friend had gone her chest started to swell. The numbness left. She cried and hurt and collapsed. She hid it from her parents but that night they tried to take away her phone as Molly was still texting her. They took it away and everything seemed too real and she went into hysterics. Her parents left her to cry and she did. For over an hour and a half. She screamed and cried trying to get over all of this. She couldn’t get over the fact that this boy didn’t know who she was, but she loved him still. Even though she didn’t even rly know this boy, she still had this ache for him. To contact him. To tell him how much she loves him and how perfect she thinks he is. He wouldn’t care though. He is amazing and popular. What would he care for another young girl to tell him that she loves him? He’d think she was just another fan, obsessed with him because he is attractive. But there was more to it than looks. So the real ***** is a bit different from the fake one. To be honest, he might even be better. More laid back and adorable. I don’t care if people say he is cocky. If I had a face like his, I’d be cocky too.

19^th of October and the girl is still over whelmed by it. Tears still come, so does the numbness, then the anger, then the thoughts of self hatred. She still can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t believe what happened. She doesn’t know what to do know. She wants to talk to him but she is scared, shy. What happens now? She had her life planned out, she was happy. Not now.

That girl was me. That boy was supposably you. I didn’t know how to tell you this and I’m sorry that I did. But I needed to get this of my chest and I needed to speak to you :x You don’t know how I am but I know who you are.

Today is January 17^th 2011. I still have not sent you this, nor spoken to you properly. I think by now you know what has happened but not in detail. I still haven’t gotten over it and I doubt I ever will. It may not sound like such a problem and I’m getting worked up over it for nothing but it rly fucked me up and I don’t think anyone will realize how much damage it made. I feel so stupid and dramatic and I’m guessing you won’t want to speak to me after reading this. I’m pretty sure you dislike me anyway so I guess it doesn’t matter. It’s been a long time since I have opened with document. A lot has happened. I deleted that girl from my life around a month ago. We had our arguments and awkward moments but we stayed in contact hating other but at the same time in love. She said she still loved me but I don’t think she rly did, I think it was more of just a habit.  I guess you could say I changed a lot because of this. I’ve learnt to be by myself, I had an eating disorder for a couple of months, my eyes are dull and sunken, I’m self absorbed but i hate myself, I’ve lost pretty much all my friends and addicted to xanax and qaf. So I’m a reclusive, GaGa obsessed, lonesome, tacky teenager who spends her days watching Queer as Folk or Chi’s Sweet Home and horror movies. ~living a teen-age dream~

My sense of humour is too dark for people to agree with these days. Makes life more depressing. I’m pretty sure right now you’re going to be like “what the fuck is she talking about?” yeah I get that a lot.

Me.

Most people reading this probably don't know who I am or care. But seeing as right now I have no one else to talk to I guess I'll just mumble on here. I'm so fucking scared. I'm scared of everything but I never do anything. My life is one of those long pointless films trendy kids say they love because its so 'deep'. Its not fucking deep that is just how life is. I guess you could say my mind isn't really the same as other kids my age. I'm more mature and I have better opinions. I'm not even going to be modest about it. I fucking scare people because of how I am. I'm really good at hurting people. I don't mean to but I'm possessive and easily hurt. I take out my shit on people and beg for sympathy. I need to be loved. I could never stand being hated by anyone. Thats why I never want people to know I hate them because then obviously they will think of me and a mean bitch and I couldn't stand that. I am a mean bitch, life goes on. I try to pretend that people care and people say they do but honestly I have never felt it or had anyone ask me if I am okay. The stupidest little things hurt me and I can make nothing into everything and crush peoples heart by overreacting. Love, fucking painful. Maybe I am too young for love but I doubt it. I know what I feel and according to all the things I have heard it is love. Such a strange word no proper meaning. I don't really want to ramble on about love because I don't want to look like some pathetic teenager. Instead lets talk about how shit my life is just like every other kid does. If you are trendy you have depression. I always seem to be ahead of the trends, you see as I have anxiety. New coolest thing guys. Anxiety and panic disorder? Oh man, I'm the coolest kid in town. Not only that but I also have disturbed thoughts. Excellent. The city is nervous-making and people with their lateral ideas frustrate me. I've met some interesting people in my time. Only 2 fascinated me. They were both boys. I always wished I was a boy. Not only is it easier to be individual as a boy but boys are just generally cooler. I like girls and all but all my idols seem to be boys. Artists, comedians and models that are successful are really amazing boys. I'm not some boy crazed teenager don't get me wrong, I find girls attractive and all and wouldn't really care being in a relationship with one but they just aren't as interesting. Narrow minds. The interesting people are too busy getting stoned than being on the internet (unless you are Chuck Huggins, one of my very few girl idols). Celebrities, I never remember their names. Movies, I only watch the dark and twisted. If they don't make you think they suck. Across the Universe changed my life. On the subject of life changing things there is a person (lets call him Ziggy) who has made probably the biggest impact on my life than anyone. No not a family member, I don't enjoy family time at all. I don't know what to say about Ziggy seeing as he is probably my definition as the worlds most perfect person. I can be the biggest shit to him though. I hate it so much but I always forget I do it. He means the world to me and not like oh I love him but its cool if he leaves later. I'm pretty sure I'd be one big depressed piece of flesh. I used to be pretty over dramatic about life and cut myself and shiz, but then I met Ziggy and he made me really happy. My family was jealous. I don't think I have seen anyone as gorgeous as him, not even Ash Stymest or David Bowie!


Ziggy isn't mine. I thought he was but it all changed. He doesn't know who I am or gives a shit and not in that way where "no one understands me oh I'm so misunderstood", he simply does not know I exist. We have never spoken. I'll tell you all about it another time. Its over 4 months since I have edited this, 4 weeks since my life crumlbled.

Despite your best efforts, society will ultimately bring you down.

"Unicorns."

This movie sounds increasingly interesting! 

I don't just love it because of the name and the people staring in it.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1141702/

Two of the most gorgeous people.

Just generally the most gorgeous person.